


Addicted to You

by dip_the_pip



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depressed Dan Howell, Domestic Violence, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Multi, Past Drug Addiction, Pianist Dan Howell, Recreational Drug Use, Teenage Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-03-07 22:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13445163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dip_the_pip/pseuds/dip_the_pip
Summary: Things had never been easy for Dan. Home life was a nightmare, his relationships were non-existent, and the world decided to keep screwing him over.





	1. Gracie's

**Author's Note:**

> Woo look at me actually posting a fic here for once!! 
> 
> in this chap, warnings: slight depressive/suicidal/intrusive thoughts, alcohol, and drugs

Stepping out of the therapist’s office into the brisk Manchester Autumn, Dan pulled his jacket tighter, keeping his head down. He shivered, always feeling shaken up more than usual after a therapy appointment. His mind always raced after these appointments. _Should I have said that? She’s going to think I’m a freak. Why do I keep going to these? It’s all just in my head. Hell, it’s all in mum’s head too. Fuck, I’m going to end up just as crazy as her. I’m never going to succeed, I’m always going to be crazy, I’m never going t-_ “Oof!” Dan stumbled back and pulled out his ear buds. “Watch where you’re going, mate!”

“Excuse me?” The guy stood up a bit straighter, correcting his askew glasses and running his hands down his jacket to straighten it out. “You were the one who was spacing out. You weren’t even looking up!”

Dan closed his eyes and internally groaned, his hands balling up into fists in his coat pockets. “Which means you also weren’t paying attention ahead of you.” Dan pulled his hands out of his pockets and pulled up his hood, beginning to walk off again, slipping his ear buds back in. “Fuckwad…” he mumbled under his breath.

 

* * *

 

“Mum!” Dan called out as he walked into the house, tossing his jacket on the hook and kicking off his faded black converse. He walked into the kitchen, not hearing any noise in the rest of the house. That wasn’t unusual, sadly, for his mother not to be home. But-

“Danny!” A drunken voice slurred from the back porch. Dan’s jaw automatically clenched. _Calming breaths, D. Don’t need to knock him out today._

“Uh…Hey Weston. Where’s mum?” Dan glanced back at the man as he buttered a piece of bread.

“God, who knows. She went out maybe an hour ago.” Weston took a swig from the brown bottle that Dan had grown to hate.

“She’s your wife.”

“And she’s your mother. What’s your point?”

Dan took another deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face before turning around fully and leaning against the counter, picking at the crust of his bread. “Don’t you ever ask her where she’s going? Or how long she’s going to be gone?”

“You know exactly where she is, Danny. If you’re so concerned, why don’t you go hunt her down? I’m her husband, not her gatekeeper.” Weston tossed his empty bottle into the recycling. Dan flinched as he heard it shatter amongst all the other bottles.

“You’re a real bastard, you know that?”

Weston winked and walked towards the fridge, pulling out another beer and heading back into the direction of the back porch. “It’s all part of the charm, Danny.” He said with a wink before disappearing out the door.

Dan let out a soft sigh, finally letting his body untense as he tilted his head up towards the ceiling. “Why is everyone being a fuckwad today?” He questioned out loud before tossing his bread and butter in the bin and grabbing Weston’s truck keys off the kitchen table. _Fuck him._

 

* * *

 

Dan climbed into the nasty old truck. It was probably older than him. It definitely smelt like it had been rotting at least 18 years. It took a few tries for the truck to come to life before Dan pulled out of the driveway and began his journey across town. _That asshole married her. This shouldn’t always be my job. I can’t fucking do this anymore. This isn’t fair. I should be out with my friends making stupid decisions, not dragging my mother home who’s made enough fucked up decisions for the both of us. If I drove myself off this bridge I wouldn’t have to put up with this anymore._ Dan chuckled quietly and turned the radio up higher, rolling down the windows and mumbling quietly to himself. “I’d have to fucking put up with this in every timeline…”

 

* * *

 

As Dan made it to the other side of down, he turned his radio off and kept glancing around, looking for anyone he knew. When that plan flopped, he parked the truck on the side of the road and went behind one of the old crumbling restaurants _Gracie’s._ He has always loved the little diner, the fluffy American pancakes always being his favourite. But once he was old enough to realize his mum’s “extra powdered sugar on the side” wasn’t powdered sugar at all, he decided to stop joining her for breakfast.

It may not have been powered sugar, but it still gave her that sweet release.

Luckily, a few years back, the restaurant had been shut down due to someone ratting out the “powered sugar” deal, which also lead to Gracie’s arrest. She was always kind to Dan, giving him extra slices of Canadian Bacon and a free milkshake for his car ride home. A few others had been arrested, too, but luckily his mother didn’t get caught. After the closing of the Diner, though, the town druggies needed a new place to find their own sweet release.  

Dan continued down the path, deep into the forest behind the diner. He passed many middle-aged men and women huddled together, sticking themselves with dirty needles and others using an old tuna can as a table to snort their own powdered sugar.

“Daniel!” A man grabbed the boys arm, and Dan jerked away, his heart racing before seeing Gerry. “Y’gotta drag ya mum home, kid! She had a lil’ too much today!” Gerry let out a loud belly-laugh as he dragged Dan over to his mother, who was curled up and shaking beside a garbage bin.

“Shit mum…” Dan knelt down in front of her and brushed her hair out of her face. She let out a soft hiss, which is when Dan noticed the darkening mark around her eye. He looked back at Gerry. “How the _fuck_ did this happen?”

“Dunno, kid, she showed up with it, I swear!”

Dan groaned and sat next to his mother, pulling her into his arms and running his fingers slowly through her brown curls. She was beginning to go grey, but that made no difference to Dan. No matter what happened to her, no matter how she aged, no matter how much mental and emotional pain she caused him, he still loved her more than he would ever love another person.


	2. Broken Bottles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Implied sexy-times, domestic abuse, alcohol mentions, swearing obvs but it's Dan so eh

 

Dan brought the tea into his mum’s room, setting it on her bedside table before sitting on the edge of her bed. He held her hand lightly, gently stroking her knuckles.

Weston wasn’t home when Dan managed to get his mum into the truck and back home. Dan figured he probably went out with his buddies to the pub, considering Dan had his truck.

“What time is it?” He heard a wear voice ask. He looked down at his mother and smile softly.

“About 11pm.”

“Fuckin’ hell…” She groaned, pulling her hands away from Dan and pulled the duvet up more. “Be a dear and go fetch me some tea."

Dan picked up the tea that he had already made and gently handed it to

“Always one step ahead.” She carefully sat up and blew on the tea gently before taking a sip. “Thanks again,

“Mum…Mum you gotta stop doing this. This is the third time in two months. I can’t keep saving your ass.” Dan said quietly, avoiding eye contact. He loved his mother to death, but with exams coming up, he needed to be able to put his focus into school and not on his fucked up family.

She set her tea cup aside and cupped his cheeks, smiling sadly. “Babyboy, you don’t have to worry about me. I promise you, Danny. This isn’t going to happen again.” She gently pulled him forward and kissed his forehead. “I’m done messing things up for you.” She whispered softly against his forehead.

Dan let his eyes close as a small smile found its way to his lips. “Okay, mum. Thank you…”

 “I love you, Danny.”

“I love you too, mum.”

 

* * *

 

A few weeks passed. Weston had returned home, and Dan never mentioned the bruises that kept appearing on his mother. His mother had stopped going out, though, and Dan was now deep into revising for his exams. He had finally began applying to Universities. Dan finally felt like his life was getting back on track.

Dan had decided to reward himself one Saturday night, allowing himself to go to a friend’s place for a few drinks and some greasy food. He took his mind off his mum and his exams. He drunkenly kisses his friends, jokingly gave a lap dance which ended up giving him and the recipient a reason to escape to privacy for a little while. All in all, Dan had an amazing night.

When Dan arrived home the next morning, it was eerily quiet. More quiet than usual, he decided. He wandered further into the house and hissed loudly when something sharp went into his foot. He hopped over to stairs and sat on one of the carpeted step, pulling off his sock and seeing a small slice along his big toe. He stared at his sock in confusion before looking down the hallway to the kitchen, seeing the floor littered with tiny shards of glass. In another mind-set, Dan would’ve thought it looked beautiful with the way the sun reflected off of each tiny sliver. Instead, he got up and carefully tiptoed to the kitchen, the amount of glass increasing greatly the closer he got to the back of the house. Dan had a funny feeling in his stomach, and he didn’t think it was from the alcohol the night before.

He made it to the kitchen, fairly certain his feet had gotten even more sliced up. The recycling bin was knocked over, mostly the beer bottles spread out on the floor, all smashed to bits. Dan felt his heartbeat quicken up, seeing a dried up puddle of blood in front of the fridge and a splatter of blood across the fridge door. The sight made Dan feel sick.

His toes and fingers felt numb as he stumbled to the back door and slid it open, going to the edge of the porch and vomiting violently. He felt light-headed, his limbs felt too After a few minutes of deep breathing, Dan carefully went back inside and explored the house. No one was home. It was dead silent. It made Dan feel even more uneasy.

Dan pulled out his phone and ordered a taxi. He paced in his front yard as he repeatedly tried calling his mothers phone, getting no answer. When his taxi arrived, Dan climbed in and told the cabbie where to go. _Fuck fuck FUCK! Dumbass! You shouldn’t have fucking left last night! What the FUCK made you think it was a good idea? You should’ve stayed there. You should’ve fucking murdered Weston when you found out he was hurting mum. You should’ve taken care of mum. Mum needed you most, dumbass. You should’ve just fucking stayed at home. You fucked up again, Dan. You always-_

“Here we are, champ.” The cabbie turned around and smiled warmly at Dan, oblivious to the nightmare Dan was currently living through. Dan blinked a few times and glanced out the window, noticing the vehicle had stopped. He pulled out a handful of notes and handed them up to the cabbie before climbing out and running behind the crumbling building of _Gracie’s_.  


	3. Beaten and Bruised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: if you triggered by death and/or somewhat violent and graphic descriptions, I wouldn't recommend reading this chapter. The first 3 paragraphs, that are italicised, are the worst.  
> I kept this chapter short because of the events in this chapter.  
> Please do not read if you will be triggered.  
> In the End Notes, I will sum up the summary of what happened so you aren't left in the dark for the next chapter.  
> Please take care of yourself <3

_She was just…laying there. She looked completely lifeless, but not much different from when she was alive. She looked just as miserable, but more empty behind the eyes. Dan kept staring, his body feeling completely numb and cold._

_Finally, the realization hit him, probably as hard as his mother had been hit in the face. He barely recognized her, her face and clothes bloody and various areas of her body deeply bruised. Part of Dan didn’t want to believe that this was his mother. Surely, it couldn’t be? His mother was alive, probably just at the pub or something, right?_

_His breath quickened as he stumbled backwards, his head going fuzzy as he began screaming. Screaming out of fear, screaming out of anger, screaming out of heartbreak. How could his mother, who had kissed his cheek and told him to have fun at his mate’s house, now be possibly dead in the middle of a forest._

* * *

 

“Graydon family?” A nurse called.

Dam blinked rapidly for a moment before cluing into what the nurse was saying. He got up and stumbled to her. “Hi, yeah, Daniel Howell, her son.”

“Howell? Are you sure? I called Graydon, sir.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Of course, I’m sure, I’m the only person in this damn waiting room!” Dan exclaimed, gesturing to the room behind him full of empty seats. “She changed her name when she remarried…” Dan mumbled softly, rubbing at his arm awkwardly, feeling guilty for snapping.

“Is her husband on his way?”

“I sure fuckin’ hope not.”

“Excuse me?”

Dan sighed heavily and went to sit in the closest chair, burying his face into his hands. “He’s the one that did it. The…the one who beat her…”

The nurse nodded slowly, gently placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “We will have the police here shortly.” She said softly before crouching in front of him to be at eye-level. “She has been pronounced dead. She suffered from internal and external bleeding, and a drug overdose. We don’t know which one happened fir-“

“The bleeding…” Dan answered coldly, his hands clenched into fists. “The bleeding and the bruises…it was all him. He did this to my mother.”

“Just wait until the police come, Mr. Howell. You can speak to them then. Would you like to see your mother one last time?”

“Fuck this…” Dan stood up and pushed passed her, heading out the front doors of the hospital. He didn’t want to see his mother. He didn’t need to see her all black and blue from the bruises. He didn’t need any of this. It was all complete bullshit. Complete, utter bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Dan's mother passes away in hospital, Dan leaves the hospital before seeing her one last time.


	4. Weed and Cat Piss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit more fighting in this, if you wanna skip it, it'll be the italicised paragraphs!  
> also implied sexy times

A few months passed. Police were in the house every other day, asking Dan what felt like a million and one questions. They couldn’t find Weston. Knowing that he was out in the world, living guilt free after driving his mother to her suicide, Dan couldn’t sleep more than 20 minutes at a time. He hadn’t attended school since that tragic week, and the school had given up trying to make contact.

Dan felt empty. He felt alone. So, he did the only thing that he figured could take his mind off things.

He called up guys he had hooked up with previously, joined some hook-up apps, started messaging whoever he could, sleeping with whoever was willing.

He just wanted to stop feeling.

That’s how he ended up under some twenty-something year old guy living in his parents’ basement. It reeked of weed and cat piss, but Dan was too caught up in the moment to notice or care.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door leading into the basement. “Lance!” A male voice called.

The man above Dan, Lance, groaned softly and buried his face into Dan’s neck, panting heavily. There was another loud bang.

“Lance!” The voice shouted.

“The fuck you want?” He yelled back, lifting his face from Dan’s neck.

Dan froze under him. His eyes glued on the closed door. He knew the voice. Why did he know that voice?

“Can ya go out and buy me some more beer? Your cow of a mother didn’t grab me any.”

Dan felt sick. He got shivers down to the bone.

“Fuck off, Wes! Go get your damn alcohol!”

“You’re under my roof you listen to my goddamn rules!”

“No, Weston. You live under my mother’s roof. So, fuck right off.”

“Fuckin’ good for nothin’ brat…” Dan heard him mutter as he walked away from the basement door.

Lance looked down at Dan and raised an eyebrow. “Sorry about that. Mum’s boyfriend’s a shithead. Are you okay?”

Dan managed to scramble out from under him, backing up against the wall, his breathing quickening. “I-I have to go. You have to call the police. Call the fucking police.” Dan hissed before turning around and standing on his tip-toes to look out the basement window, not seeing Weston’s old ratty truck, but a beige car that looked like a crappy piece of garbage Weston would buy.

Lance slowly sat up and sat on the edge of the bed. “What are you on about?”

“That man,” Dan pointed towards the door. “Weston Graydon. How long has he been around?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Few months, half a year maybe, why?”

“I-I can’t explain. Is there a way I can get out without him seeing me?”

Dan and Lance both redressed before Lance showed him how to sneak out of the basement window. “Are you sur everything’s okay? Did I do something wrong?”

“You did absolutely nothing wrong, I promise you. But I need to leave. Now.”

Lance nodded a bit and helped him out. “I had a great ti-“

“Yeah this isn’t the time for pleasantries.” Dan said as he quickly slid out the window and onto the front yard.

Lance nodded a bit and closed his window, pulling his blinds.

Dan pulled his hood up and began walking across the yard. He was nearing the end of the driveway when he heard the front door open. He briefly froze before continuing.

“Lance!” He heard Weston call. “Please, I’ll give you extra cash.”

Dan kept walking, closing his eyes tight.

Dan could hear footsteps behind him. He began walking faster.

_Weston grabbed him by the arm and jerked him around, and within a blink of an eye, Dan had punched him across the face. “You fucking asshole!” He screamed._

_Weston groaned and held his jaw, stumbling back. “Daniel what the fuck are you doing here?”_

_“Me? Me?! What the fuck are you doing here, Weston! You fucking murdered my mother and then what? Decided you were gonna just ruin some other perfect family? You’re fucking pathetic Weston!”_

_Weston charged at him, knocking Dan to the grass and beginning to punch him repeatedly in the face, chest, arms and stomach._

_Dan managed to get a leg free from under him and kneed him hard in the crotch, sending Weston rolling onto the ground next to him. Dan took this chance to straddle Weston’s torso, beginning to throw his own punches. His mind went blank and next thing he knew, he was gripping Weston’s hair and smashing it against the curb. Once Weston stopped fighting back and blacked out, Dan climbed off of him, his hands shaking violently. He sat on the grass and sobbed into his knees, thankful none of the neighbours had come out._

Once he caught his breath and sorted through his thoughts, he called the police.


	5. Habits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'know the drill there's implied sexy times and drug use and abuse  
> Ugh I can't wait until I get to drag Phil's sorry ass into thiiiiis

_“Local man, Weston Graydon, arrested for the murder of his wife, Penny Graydon-Howell…”_

Dan groaned and clicked the tv off. He was sick of seeing Weston’s face plastered everywhere. Done with the messages saying he’s so strong for calling the police on his step-father. How did that make him strong? Because he got a murderer arrested? He didn’t give a shit if he ruined Weston’s life by getting him sent to jail. He deserved it. He murdered his mother.

Dan decided to continue his hook-up streak. He slept with at least half a dozen guys in a week. He had stopped going to his therapist after his mum died, not being able to afford it anymore. He had stopped his anti-depressants. He had stopped caring altogether.

He met up with one guy he really clicked with. They had the same sense of humour, the same music taste, and luckily, the same taste in alcohol. They hung out a lot after their first hook-up. Dan slept at his house more than he slept at his own lonely house.

One Saturday night, Dan and the guy, Henry, were laying in his bed, taking turns at sipping at some fruity vodka drink that Dan didn’t know the name of, but it made his taste buds and fuzzy brain happy.

Henry climbed out of bed, stretching his arms above his head before going to sit in his desk chair. “Join me for a line?” He asked, glancing over at Dan. He pulled a small baggy from his desk and used a credit card to begin making a few thin white lines. He had done this around Dan a few times, but Dan usually excused himself to the bathroom. _Fuck it_ , he thought as he began climbing off of the bed and slightly stumbled over to Henry’s desk.

And that was just the beginning.

Dan began going to parties with Henry, getting high as a kite every other night. He felt weightless and happy, even though he knew deep down that it was all artificial. So eventually, he decided it wasn’t going to be artificial. He was going to keep that feeling for as long as possible.

Getting high, whether through a joint, coke, or injecting himself with the cheapest shit he could find, finally brought back happiness. Henry had decided that they should stop seeing each other when Dan began getting out of hand, but Dan was too high in the sky to notice anything going on around him.

Dan was across town, getting more coke from his dealer in exchange for a blowjob and letting him fuck him a few times a week. He decided to walk home, it was finally starting to cool down towards the end of summer.

He was lost in his own thoughts, his eyes glancing around. They eventually landed on the old and broken _Gracie’s_ sign, and Dan immediately felt completely sober. He quickly crossed the street, not really checking if there were any cars coming. As he made his way behind the old diner he heard distant car horns and the sound of cars colliding, but none of that mattered now. He was on a mission.

He wandered deep into the forest, to where he had found his mum countless times, passed out, on the verge of an overdose. He had sat with her many times, holding her until she regained consciousness and he could help her back to the dirty old truck and take her home. It’s where he had found her for the very last time. Beaten and bruised, looking so small and fragile curled up in the dirt. He hadn’t taken her home in the truck that night. He didn’t get to. She was already too far gone.   

There were a few remains of candles, from her friends, Dan assumed. All those selfish fuckers who let her do that to herself. Who let her kill herself.

Dan’s breathing got shallower as he carefully moved the candle scraps and sunk down into the small area between a garbage bin and a fence. He felt small, insignificant to the world around him. He didn’t matter. Nothing fucking mattered anymore. He had nothing and no one. No warm house to go back to, no happy family to greet him, hug him, ruffle his hair and embarrass him. He’d never get that again.

He pulled the cocaine from his jacket pocket and gently shook the baggy before hauling himself up. He opened the baggy and pulled out his credit card as he began making thin white lines on the top of the garbage bin.


	6. Gross Grey Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jysk I'm not a doctor, I'm not a medical professional and everything in this chapter is made up BS (except Lighthouse Care, that is a rehab centre in Manchester, though I do not know any of their treatments, I'm making this all up so it works into my fic)  
> Just a short lil chappy while I work on the next chapter which I am really excited about!

“Mr. Howell?” Dan heard a soft voice say. “He isn’t responding.” The voice said, and Dan could feel many pair of hands pick him up and then put him down on a softer surface. “He has a pulse, we still…” and that was the last thing Dan heard as he let sleep consume him again.

_What the fuck._ Dan groaned softly and tried to blink his eyes open. He hissed softly, feeling like a bright light was being shined directly into his eyes. _My fucking head…my fucking stomach…_

“Mr. Howell?” He heard a man say. Dan laid there for a moment, contemplating whether to open his eyes or not. He could just pretend to still be asleep, couldn’t he?

A soft, barely audible groan came from Dan. “Mr. Howell, you are at the Lighthouse Care Rehab Centre. Do you know why you are here?”

Dan didn’t move. He didn’t react or answer. He didn’t want to give this doctor the satisfaction of having Dan answer him. Dan knew exactly why he was here, but at the same time, he didn’t. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be anywhere _but_ here, honestly.

“We are here to help you, Daniel.” The doctor said softly, not quite sure if his patient was awake or not. He got up and began walking out of the room.

“Why didn’t they let me die?” Dan’s voice croaked.

The doctor stopped in his step and turned to face the boy in the bed. “I’m sorry?” he asked, stepping back into the room more.

“Why…Why didn’t they let me die? Out there in the woods, I mean. I…I wanted to die. Why did they have to save me?” Dan’s eyes were still shut tight, the blinding grey of the walls being too much to handle.

The doctor sat down on his chair again and looked over his notes. “Two joggers found you. Paramedics were called and you were rushed to the local emerge. They almost lost you, but you should be very grateful that they saved you. Not everyone is that lucky.”

“Yeah, I fucking know…” He mumbled, pulling the thin sheet up further to cover his shoulders. “When can I go? Can I have a mate pick me up?”

“I’m afraid it isn’t that easy, Mr. Howell.” The doctor scribbled another note on Dan’s file: _Suicide Attempt_

“What the hell do you mean?”

“We know about your family situation, we know that you use to attend therapy, and we now know why you were out in the forest that night. You were brought to us because we believe you have the opportunity to have a fresh start. Clean your slate and start over. We spoke with the local police department, too. We came to an agreement after looking at all the info on you, that if we could rehabilitate you, stabilize you, help you become a new man, that they were drop the charges for the illegal drug use and possession. But, you can leave. Once you are stable enough, you can sign the papers and go, but you will still be charged.”

“I…I don’t have money…”

“I’ll give you some time to think about it. Get some rest, Daniel.” The doctor smiled warmly even though Dan wasn’t looking at him, before getting up and walking out. It only took a few moments before Dan began drifting back to sleep.


	7. Apple Juice

The doctors worked with Dan for about two weeks to get him slowly off cocaine. They worked slowly, lowering his dosage every time to slowly work it out of system without sending his body into complete shock. He still went through withdrawals, though. He woke up in the middle of the night, feeling cold as ice, but sweating, or feeling like his skin is absolutely uncomfortably hot, but his body was cool to the touch. He had insane nightmares, lots of weight loss and vomiting. He felt like he was going to the deepest, darkest parts of hell for nearly two weeks.

Once he was worked down to being completely off, it got even worse. He felt more depressed than he had ever felt, he could barely sleep, he began overeating, and felt irritated towards everything and everyone.

After another week or so of being completely clean, he suffered from mood swings and his food cravings became even more intense.

“Daniel, you’re 18, correct?” His assigned therapist, Zana, asked him one day during one of their sessions.

“Yeah…” Dan was never very talkative during these sessions. He usually gave her enough bullshit answers to get them through the hour.

“You’re pretty lonely in here, aren’t you?”

“No shit.”

“Language. Anyways, the rehabilitation centre is looking to start up trial run for a new type of counselling. Well, more of a mentorship.”

“What does that mean?”

“We are hiring ex-addicts to come here, hang out with you for at least an hour every few days. Men and women who have been in the same situation as you.”

“Would I have to put up with a different crackhead every time?”

“No. You would get your own person, depending on factors like age, gender, drug, what lead them to ending up in here.”

Dan nodded a bit. “Um…sure. Why not.” He shrugged and rubbed his face. “Are we done?”

Zana sighed and glanced at her watch. “The hour is basically up, so I’ll head out. I will sign you up for the test trial and hopefully by tomorrow or the next day, you will have your mentor!”

“Perfect!” Dan said, his tone thick with sarcasm. “Oh, and Zana?”

“Yes, Daniel?”

“Could I get some pizza?”

Zana sighed before walking out. That boy was too damn much.

 

* * *

 

The next day at the same time, Zana came back with a big smile. “Good afternoon, Daniel!”

“Oh no, am I dying?”

“Excuse me?”

“You are never happy when you have to come put up with my bullshit.”

Zana chuckled softly. “Oh Daniel, you are definitely a special one. But no, you aren’t dying. We were able to find you a match with the mentorship program!”

Dan raised an eyebrow, sipping on his apple juice and leaning back into his uncomfortable pillows. “Oh really?”

“Yes! Her name is Lilly, she’s 24 and recovered from heroin. After our appointment today, she is going to stop by for a little meet and greet and maybe you two could chat for a while?”

Dan shrugged and chucked his juice box towards the recycling bin, “Sure. Why not. Sounds like a gay ol’ time!” He rolled his eyes over-dramatically and grabbed another apple juice from the package beside his bed.

“Daniel, please just try. I think this could benefit you greatly.”

“Whatever you say, Doctor Zan.”


	8. Pizza Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this chapter for a few days and I think it's my favourite so far! its 2.2k :D

Dan met Lilly after his appointment with Zana. Dan immediately decided he never wanted to talk to this girl again.

“-and _then_ I practically OD’d at my 21 st birthday party! And _again_ at my best friend Jennifer’s 21 st birthday party! Oh and then-“

She had been talking for…at least an hour, surely. Maybe two? Could it even be three?

Dan didn’t know anymore. He was going crazy. This girl was going to make him insane. _Does she know how to shut the fuck up!_

Dan glanced at the clock on the wall by the door, realizing she had only been there for 20 minutes. Dan internally groaned before deciding to fake a yawn, stretching his arms above his head. “It was really nice to meet you, Lilly. Sorry to stop your story. I’ve had a long day and I’m afraid to fall asleep! It was really great to meet you though.” He said, giving her the warmest smile he could despite wanting to be anywhere else but there and would rather rip out his ears himself instead of _ever_ having to listen to her speak another sentence.

“Oh! Well okay then! It was lovely to meet you! I’ll see you soon!” She got up and kissed his cheek unexpectedly before walking out. Dan rubbed his face and groaned, pulling his knees to his chest. _I should’ve just agreed to leave. Anything else would be better than being stuck in this hellhole._

A soft knock came from the door and Zana poked her head in. “Hey, Daniel. Lilly told me you were feeling tired. Was she really that horrible?”

“ _Zan_! She never _stopped talking_. I could barely think!” Dan whined, letting his head fall back against his pillows.

Zana chuckled softly. “The second I met her today, I knew she wasn’t going to be a great fit. I’m sorry Daniel. I’ve already entered for you to be reassigned a mentor.”

“Please just…not another Lilly.”

“No promises.” Zana said with a wink before walking out.

 

* * *

 

A few days passed, therapy appointments came and went, and Zana had still not found Dan another mentor. Dan was so close to giving up hope, ready to withdraw his name from the trial program and just live out his days as a sad, lonely coke addict who only talks to his therapist and doctors.

It was Saturday afternoon, Dan didn’t meet with Zana on weekends, so the knock on his door confused Dan completely.

Zana poked her head in the door and smiled brightly. “Good afternoon! I have some great news!”

“They want to give me the death sentence.”

“Daniel, I like you a lot. But please shut up. We found you a mentor!”

Dan chuckled softly and turned down the volume on the tv that looked like it was from 1995. “Who’s the poor bastard that has to put up with me now?”

“His name is Philip. His assigned patient just got release yesterday, so I nabbed him before anyone else could! He’s 22, recovered coke addict like you, and he has had quite a few patients that he has mentored for and has been extremely successful.”

Dan hummed softly, nodding as he listened to Zana. “Stop trying to oversell him. If you think he’s a good fit, then cool. Set it up.”

“No witty comments? No arguing? What did you do with my Daniel?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I swear to god, Zan, by the time I get out of this place, my eyes are going to be stuck permanently eyerolling.”

“That sounds like a you problem, sweetheart.” She smiled sweetly. “Would you be up to meeting him tomorrow?”

“Fine, sure, whatever. Just make sure he isn’t here before noon.”

“Sure thing.”

“And if he is annoying like Lilly, I don’t want another mentor.”

“Oh, I think you are going to like him, Daniel.” Zana flashed him one last smile before leaving.

 

* * *

 

Around 12:30pm the next day, Dan heard a soft knock on his door. He groaned dramatically. “Whaaaat?”

Zana poked her head in, smiling. “Morning, Sunshine!”

“Didn’t I say I didn’t want to meet him before noon?” He whined, pulling the blankets up over his head and letting out an annoyed huff.

Zana giggled softly. “Technically, Daniel, it is past noon. It’s just about 12:30.”

“Fuck…is he here?”

“Not yet, he got held up in traffic, lucky for you and your sleep schedule. He should be here by one, though. I figured you’d want to be somewhat presentable before meeting him.”

Dan pulled a pillow over his head and spoke, but it came out as a muffled sound. Zana pulled the pillow from his grip and raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

Dan whined loudly. “Fiiine. I’m getting up.”

“Perfect.” Zana tossed the pillow back onto his head before walking out.

 

* * *

 

Nearly half an hour later Dan was awake and dressed. The rehab centre had given him a few hours one day and took him back to his family home to grab a few things. He was supervised, of course, but they let him bring his clothes, laptop, and a few other little personal items. He decided to finally shower for the first time in almost a week and pulled on a plain grey jumper and a pair of his black jeans.

For all he knew, this mentor was going to be a flop, too. He had high expectations, but also wasn’t expecting too much out of this guy. He was probably a scummy guy who managed to do his time in the rehab and needed some extra cash and took this job.

Zana poked her head in before opening the door. “Daniel! You’re actually dressed!”

“You make it seem like I’m naked whenever we meet.” He mumbled, fixing his hair in a little hand mirror he had brought from home.

“I just mean, I don’t know! You are never in normal clothes, usually just pyjamas. It’s nice to see you all dressed up. And you showered?” She asked, noticing the boy fixing his damp hair. “Wow, you’ve never tried this hard for me, Daniel. Gotta say, I’m a little hurt.”

Daniel rolled his eyes but giggled softly. “You know all of my deepest and darkest secrets, Zan. I didn’t think I needed to get dressed up for you.”

“Well I guess I’m flattered you feel that way. Philip is just signing in, I thought I’d let you know.”

“Thanks. I figured if I dressed nice and…I dunno. Attempted to have a positive attitude, maybe this would actually work out this time.”

“Trust me, you are definitely going to like him. Well, I don’t know how much you two will have in common, but he’s already done something that is going to win you over into liking him.”

“What’s that?”

Zana shrugged and winked before walking out.

Dan paced his room. Back and forth. Back and forth.

_This has to work out this time. It just has to. I’m going to go fucking crazy if I don’t find someone else to talk to. Zana is going to drive me crazy, Therapy is exhausting. I need someone I can shoot the shit with. Even if this guy is absolutely lame and boring, he’d be better than Lilly. Better than Zana. Wait what’s that?_

Dan inhaled deeply. “Oh my gosh Zana did you _finally_ get me a pizza?”

A tall man with shaggy black hair walked in, holding a box of pizza and chuckling softly. “Not Zana, sorry to disappoint. But, I _did_ bring you a pizza!” The guy said, setting it down on the little coffee table by Dan’s couch. “You must be Daniel.”

“Dan, please. Are you Philip?”

The guy laughed softly. He was already a billion times better than Lilly just with that angelic laugh, Dan decided. “Yeah that’s me. But you can just call me Phil. Or Philly-D, but people don’t find that as catchy.”

Dan laughed, genuinely laughed, for the first time in nearly a month. “Guess Zana doesn’t just enjoy annoying me with Daniel, she calls you by your full name, too!”

“Oh my gosh I know! I told her over and over again to call me Phil while I was here. She couldn’t be bothered. She was my therapist for three damn months!” Phil laughed, plopping down on Dan’s couch and opening the pizza box.

_Well he’s making himself comfortable_ , Dan thought before sitting on the other end of the couch and grabbing a slice of pizza. “Thanks for the Pizza. I’ve been-”

“Craving it ever since you got clean?” Phil finished, grinning brightly.

“Yeah! Did Zana tell you that?”

“Nope. It’s what I craved when I got clean and they wouldn’t let me order pizza either. The pizza here just isn’t the same.”

“It tastes like cardboard! I’ve wanted Dominos so badly, you are literally a life saver.”

Phil chuckled and took a comically large bite before talking around his mouthful. “When I got out, I ordered so much pizza. My _favourite_ thing was meat lovers. I gained at least 20 pounds within my first month out of here.”

Dan laughed and relaxed back into his couch. “So, you were trapped here for 3 months?”

“Oh, I wish! I was here almost six months.”

“ _Six months_?” Dan said in disbelief, a string of melted cheese hanging from his lips.

“Yeah. I wasn’t very cooperative.” Phil said with a hint of embarrassment, scratching the back of his neck. “I wasn’t even in here the full 6 months. At the beginning I checked myself in, and I was only here two weeks before I decided to check myself out.”

“Why did you leave?”

“I missed being high. I hated being so irritated and miserable from the withdrawal, so I checked myself out and went right back to my old flat and fell directly back down the deep dark hole again. A week later I checked myself back in. That happened two or three times before I finally decided I needed this, and I stayed for the three months.”

Dan stared at Phil, engrossed in his story. “Wow. You’re even more stubborn than I am. I like it.” He giggled and ate a few more bites of pizza. “For my first week or two here, I wouldn’t even look at Zana.”

“Did you check yourself into here?”

“No. I uh, I was found in a forest after I overdosed. They made a deal or some shit with the police that if I got clean or whatever, that they would drop my charges. I’m pretty damn broke right now, so I really had no choice but stay here.”

“Wow. That’s intense, but at least this is to better you and your future. There are some pretty amazing people here. They can teach you a lot.”

“The only people I’ve met is Zana and the trillions of nurses and doctors that parade in here whenever they feel like it. I haven't learned anything besides not eating the Chilli on Thursdays.”

“That's probably the most valuable thing you will learn, though. But the patients here are amazing, they all have their stories and their knowledge that they love to share."

"Yeah, the only time I leave my room is so a nurse can watch over me while they administer my meds." Dan said with a small shrug.

"You haven’t been to the commons area? Or the Games Room?” Phil asked in surprise, setting his pizza down in the box, pulling out his phone and going in his calendar. “I am _so_ taking you one day!”

“Wait there’s a Games Room? What’s in there?” Why had no one mentioned this to him? Did everyone here WANT him to be miserable all damn day watching repeat episodes of Ellen?

“It has pool tables, foosball, and a few sitting areas with different consoles! I spent most of my time there. I mean, there’s a library and a music room and quiet areas too, but the Games Room is the greatest place!”

“Holy shit! Okay, yeah! We can go next time.”

“Perfect! I’m back here on Wednesday. We can go then! You are gonna love it. It’s basically the only reason I survived in here.”

“I haven’t played video games in so long!”

“What do you enjoy? Personally, I’m into the Final Fantasy games, I got special permission to have my copies from home when I checked myself in.”

“Oh, I like just about anything if its challenging or has a good story line, or even just Super Mario. First person shooter games are fun too! Literally anything that can keep me distracted.” Dan said with a shrug, his mind already racing with all of the games he could play.

A nurse poked her head in. “Hey boys! Sorry to interrupt, it’s time for Dan’s medicine.”

Phil smiled and stood up, glancing at his watch. “It’s okay, I should probably be heading out.” Phil smiled brightly down at Dan and reached his hand out to shake it. “It was really great meeting you, Dan. I’m looking forward to Wednesday.”

Dan shook his hand and stood up too, his smile as big as Phil’s. “I can’t wait, Phil. It was really nice meeting you too.”

Phil flashed him one last smile before heading out. Dan sighed softly and let his posture drop, glancing at the coffee table and noticing the half pizza that Phil left for him. He smile and closed the box before going with the nurse to take his anti-depressants.


	9. Nerves

  Monday Dan was back to spending all his time in bed moping around. He stayed in his pyjamas all day, kept his blinds drawn, and watched movies on his laptop all day. Zana came for her appointment with Dan around 3pm.

“This is a drastic change from yesterday.” She noted, going to grab a chair from the side of the room and sitting next to Dan’s bed. “What happened?”

Dan shrugged, pausing his movie and shutting his laptop before pushing his bed tray away from himself. “I dunno. I’m just not feeling it.” He mumbled.

“Oh no, was Philip a bad match, too?” She asked with worry in her voice, furrowing her eyebrows together.

“No, god no, not at all. He’s amazing. Really funny and I think we have a lot in common. I mean, so far. We didn’t actually talk about much besides pizza and video games. Why didn’t you tell me there was a games room?”

Zana shrugged a bit. “You seem very introverted, I didn’t want you to feel pressured yet to go out and socialize. Would you like to see the common areas?”

“Phil’s going to on Wednesday.” Dan let out a soft sigh and rubbed his face. “I’m actually really excited to hang out with him again. I’ve messaged a few friends on Facebook asking if they wanted to come visit and hang out or something and uh, they either made up bullshit excuses or never replied to my messages…”

Zana frowned and quietly made a note of that. “I’m sorry, Daniel. I’m glad you’re able to find a friend within Philip.”

“He told me that you had him as a patient.”

“I did, yes.”

“What was he like?” Dan asked softly, looking over at Zana for the first time since she entered.

“Much like you, for the first little while. Reserved, moody. He eventually became comfortable with himself again and became much like you saw yesterday. He’s a funny guy, was always cracking jokes to make the nurses laugh, once he had some of his personality back. Everyone remembers Philip. His favourite distraction in here was smiles. Once he had some life back in him, his favourite thing was to make people happy, to make their day or just crack a silly joke.”

Dan felt his lips twitch into a small smile as he listened to Zana talk about his mentor. “He does seem like a really happy person. I could never imagine being that happy or energetic. It was…it was almost like a breath of fresh air, having him here. No offence.”

Zana chuckled softly, nodding a bit. “Yeah, Philip always managed to do that.”

“I’m looking forward to Wednesday.”

“I’m glad, Daniel. Now enough about him, time to talk about you.” Zana said softly as they continued Dan’s appointment.

* * *

 

Wednesday finally rolled around and Dan was a mix of panic and excitement. He was freshly showered and dressed again. He paced around his room before he heard the knock at his door. His stomach immediately filled with butterflies as he turned to face the door.

“Good afternoon, Daniel!”

Dan groaned softly. Zana’s cheerful voice was probably the last thing he wanted to hear right now. “Hi.”

Zana pouted and stepped in. “Wow, don’t worry about my feelings Daniel!”

Dan ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “Sorry. I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Nervous?”

“No.”

“Yes, you are, Daniel. And that’s okay. You two are going to have a wonderful day.” She smiled brightly. “Just remember to breathe, don’t psych yourself out.” She walked over to him and placed her hands on his shoulders, squeezing softly.

Dan took a deep breath and let his shoulders drop, feeling his muscles relax slowly. “Thanks, I guess. I’m just nervous about leaving my room…which sounds stupid as hell.”

“It isn’t stupid, Daniel. It’s a big step for you here. I think this will help you greatly, though. Especially since you’ll have a friend.”

Dan shrugged a bit and went into the bathroom to fix his hair for the dozenth time. “I don’t think he’s really a friend. We’ve only met once. I don’t even know if he likes me, he could just be coming back out of pity.”

Zana smiled softly, watching the boy walk into the bathroom. “You know that isn’t true, Daniel. That’s your anxiety thinking for you. I believe Philip genuinely enjoyed himself on Sunday.”

Dan walked out of the bathroom and went to sit on the couch. “I know…” He mumbled, fiddling with the ends of his sleeves. “I just really want this to go well.”

There was a soft knock at the door.

Zana smiled knowingly and opened the door. “Hello, Philip! I was just heading out.” Zana said quickly before slipping out behind Phil and leaving.

Dan rubbed his face and slowly got up. “Hey Phil! How are you doing today?”

Phil smiled. “Great! How are you feeling?”

Dan shrugged a bit but smiled softly, Phil had that affect on him. “Nervous.”

“No need to be nervous, you’ve got me to protect you from the scary drug-craving patients.” Phil said with a wink. Well. Sort of a wink? It kind of just looked like he reacted to something getting into his eyes, but Dan found it endearing either way.

“Rude. I _was_ one of those drug-craving patients.”

“And so was I. Now, lets go explore!”


	10. Game Thief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for leaving this fic for so long ily all  
> ty ly bb  
> also sneaky snek with my research, my dad shared the name of one of the authors mentioned oooooh but which one

Phil had shown Dan all around the common areas. The library was filled with rows and rows of books, from self-help books to teen drama books. Phil and Dan has explored a bit in there, and Phil has made sure to show Dan where all of the ‘best books’ were hidden, which mostly consisted of Stephen King, Clive Barker, Dan Simmons, and various other horror writing authors.

Next the walked around the Music room. There were IPods and headphones that could be rented out by the patients, but there were also a few rooms closed off by doors, that Phil explained were for people who wanted to play music instead. Dan had listened as Phil listed off numerous instruments that he could remember them having, only a few of them catching Dan’s attention.

Finally, they had ended in the games room. It was the most crowded out of any of the other places they had visited. There were pool tables and foosball tables like Phil had mentioned last time they were together, and there were several TV’s along one side of the room, all with different consoles.

“Usually you have to book a time slot if you wanna play, but if a TV is empty, you can play there until someone comes in for their timeslot. It helps if you can make friends, too, and play multiplayer games, because you can only book up to an hour at a time, but if you’re playing with a few people they can all book their own time slot and you can stay here forever. It helps the docs believe you’re recovering, too, if you make friends. I got out of here almost a month before I was supposed to, because I had such a good reputation with the other patients. Having a good relationship with nurses, doctors, and Zana helps too.”

Dan let his eyes skim over the room, taking a mental note of the different consoles. “This is so cool…”

“Yeah, when I was released, this was the hardest thing to give up. I mean, unlimited games with fun people? Why would I wanna give that up?” Phil laughed softly, shaking his head a bit and walking over to another door towards the back corner.

Dan followed him closely, quite a few of the other patients looking them both up and down.

Phil leaned against the door, pressing his face against the window and looking into the dimly lit room. “In here is where they keep the video games and board games.”

Dan stood close next to him and looked through the glass. “Why are they in another room?”

“They keep them locked up. Patients who knew they were getting out soon use to steal them and hide the game cases or CD’s in their rooms until they were finally released.”

Dan side-eyed him, his eyebrow raising curiously. “Why would someone steal them?”

“Free games?” Phil shrugged a bit. “When people get out of here, they usually don’t have much money, especially not to waste on games.”

Dan nudged his shoulder against Phil’s gently. “Did you ever steal a game?”

A small smirk played on Phil’s lips. “Of course not, that’d be rather naughty of me, wouldn’t you think?”

Dan stepped away from the door, giving an overdramatic gasp. “Did you _steal_ , Mr. Philip?”

“I would _never_ do such a thing! I was a star patient!”

“I cannot believe you’d steal from a rehab centre!” Dan said in a stage whisper.

Phil wacked Dan’s shoulder and shushed him, pressing his finger to Dan’s lips as he glanced around quickly. “Not so loud, people don’t need to know anything!” They were both giggling now, leaning into the door on their shoulders and facing each other, trying their best not to grab anyone’s attention.

A few patients walked over to the door where the boys were crowded, shiny keys hanging off one of the patient’s fingers. “Excuse us, we need in there.”

Dan looked the three boys up and down. Two of them had shaggy brown hair that looked a lot like Dan’s at the moment from not getting a haircut in quite a while. One of the shaggy haired boys, the tallest of the bunch, was eerily scrawny with the emptiest bluish green eyes he’s ever seen. He had small scabs along his arms, neck, jaw, and cheeks.

The other brown haired boy was about the same height as Dan, though a little heavier, except his hands, which Dan could probably count every bone and vein on. The more Dan watched him, the more he noticed that he couldn’t stand still. The boy went from shifting his weight from foot to foot, to chewing on his thumb nail, to tapping his fingers against his thigh quickly.

The last boy was maybe a foot shorter than Dan and looked the youngest out of the bunch. His hair was dyed a deep purple and he had a hoop going through his nostril. His cheeks were hallow and he made himself look even smaller by curling his shoulders in and slouching. He had a faded pink scar around his left eye that reached to the edge of his eyebrow, and scabby knuckles.

“Oh,” Dan said after a moment of silence. “Oh shit, yeah, sorry,” Dan gave him a half-smile before Phil grabbed him by the bicep and pulled him out of the way.

Phil let his hand slid down to wrap around Dan’s wrist as he pulled him out of the gaming area. Warmth spread through Dan as he looked up at his mentor, who was turned away from him as they weaved through the crowd of people.

They made it out, and went over to a plain, normal common area with couches. Phil, still with his grasp on Dan’s wrist, sat down on the couch and gently tugged Dan with him before releasing him. “So, what did you think?”

Dan chewed on his lip, the slightest of blushes still playing on his cheeks. “Why didn’t I know about these places sooner? I probably would’ve been less of a brat to the nurses and Zan if I actually had something else to do.” Dan watched as Phil relaxed into the couch before doing the same.

“Maybe they didn’t think you were ready? Once I was clean and had stopped throwing up so often, they immediately introduced me to the spaces. Maybe it’s because you’re more introverted, you keep to yourself.”

Dan looked towards him with surprise, raising an eyebrow. “How the hell can you tell I’m introverted?”

“I’m really good at reading people. And I peeked at Zana’s notes.” Phil said, linking his fingers and propping them behind his head as he kicked his feet up onto the coffee table.

“Is that legal?”

“Hmm, probably not, but Zan likes me too much.”

“I could get her fired for that. And you.”

“But you wouldn’t.”

Dan raised his eyebrow a little more. “How do you know I wouldn’t?”

Phil let his eye slip shut as the smallest smile played at his lips. “Too much of a chicken shit.”

Dan sputtered. “Am not!”

“Are too.”

“How could you _possibly_ know that?”

Phil grinned and turned his head towards him, opening his eyes the slightest. “Trust me, I know.”

-

Once Phil had returned Dan to the bleak, stale room, Dan sat on the couched as watched as Phil pulled on his jacket.

“Will I see you in a few days?” Dan asked, already missing the new friend he felt like he had made.

Phil gave him a sad smile and shook his head. “I’m afraid not. I’m going to America for a few days.”

“Only a few days? What’s the point?”

“It’s for a, uh…Convention thing. A work convention…thing…”

Dan eyed him suspiciously, moving to lean forward and resting his forearms on his knees. “Where do you work?”

“Irrelevant.” Phil said quickly, shrugging a bit as he quickly wrapped his scarf around his neck. “Take care, yeah? I’ll be back Monday morning.”

Dan smiled playfully, reaching up to fluff his own curls. “Is that a promise?”

Phil grinned and winked. “Possibly so, Mr. Howell.” He said before turning to head out the door.

“Wait, Phil?”

Phil paused with his hand on the door, staying faced towards the door. “Yeah?”

Dan leaned back against the couch. “What games _did_ you steal from the game room?”

Phil let his eyes drop to the floor, grinning and shaking his head slightly. “I’ll see you Monday, Dan.”

“Seeya then, Phil.”

And with that, Phil was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say Hi and let me know what you think on my tumblr: http://definitelynot-danielhowell.tumblr.com/


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